Why Perfectionism is Draining Your Joy—and How to Break Free
Can I be real with you for a moment?
Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do or how hard you work, it’s never quite “enough”? Like you’re stuck on this blasted hamster wheel, chasing some impossible standard of perfection?
Yeah, I see you. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
You’re out here trying to check all the boxes, keep everyone steady, and prove (to yourself or others) that you’re capable and enough. But deep down, you wish you could just check out and spend the day in bed because you’re just so incredibly tired.
The truth is, perfectionism isn’t just sapping your time and energy. It’s outright robbing you of joy, creativity, and the ability to truly live in the moment. And I want to help you change that.
In this post, we’re going to dive into why perfectionism keeps showing up like an uninvited guest, how it’s secretly draining your soul, and some heartfelt, practical ways—including expressive arts therapy!—to start breaking free.
Ready? Let’s go.
The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism
Let me introduce you to Sarah.
Sarah is that woman—always organized, and always seems to be on top of things. PTA meetings? She’s there. Work deadlines? Done. Friends’ birthdays? Never forgotten. If there’s a fire, Sarah’s the one running in with a bucket of water and a first aid kit.
But here’s what you don’t see: Sarah lying awake at night, second-guessing every conversation, wondering if she said something wrong that will come back and bite her in the ass. Sarah, tearing up over her kid’s messy science project because she feels like it’s a reflection of her. Sarah, so used to being “perfect” that she doesn’t know who she is without it.
We all have a Sarah in our lives. Maybe you are the Sarah in yours.
Perfectionism can make it seem like you’ve got it all together on the outside, but inside, it’s a whole other story. It’s like carrying a backpack full of bricks while running a marathon—heavy, painful, and completely unnecessary. And no matter how hard you work, you feel like you’re always falling behind everyone else.
Signs Perfectionism May Be Running the Show:
You avoid starting projects because you’re afraid they won’t turn out “perfect.”
You obsess over tiny details, missing the bigger picture.
You feel anxious or out of control when things don’t go according to plan.
You’re constantly comparing yourself to others, convinced you don’t measure up.
You struggle to relax or take a break without guilt.
The Joy Drain Effect
One of the sneakiest ways perfectionism shows up is in the little moments. You can’t sit down to watch a movie without thinking of the emails you haven’t answered. You can’t start a creative project because you’re worried it won’t turn out the way you imagined.
The saddest part? Perfectionism keeps you from being fully present in your life and celebrating your wins. You’re so focused on what’s next or what didn’t go right that you don’t even let yourself feel proud.
Why It’s So Hard to Let Go
Perfectionism doesn’t show up out of nowhere — especially for people who learned early that being “wrong” came with consequences.
Most of the time, it’s rooted in experiences from childhood or early adulthood.
Maybe you were the “good girl” who earned praise for being responsible, polite, or high-achieving. Or maybe life threw you curveballs—divorce, illness, instability—and perfectionism became your way of controlling the chaos.
Whatever the reason, perfectionism tricks you into believing that if you just try hard enough, you’ll avoid criticism, rejection, or failure. But here’s the thing: chasing perfection is like trying to catch a cloud. It’s not protecting you; it’s holding you back.
It’s no wonder letting go feels impossible. That voice in your head has been with you for years, whispering, “If you’re not perfect, you’re not enough.”
But can I tell you a secret? That voice? It’s lying to you.
For many autistic, ADHD, and highly masked adults, perfectionism can be tied to years of trying to avoid mistakes, compensate for executive functioning struggles, or stay accepted in environments that didn’t fully understand them. What looks like “high standards” on the outside is often exhaustion on the inside.
Busting the Myths of Perfectionism
Perfectionism can feel like a badge of honor—a way to prove you’re hardworking, driven, and capable. But let’s get real for a second: perfectionism isn’t the golden ticket it pretends to be. In fact, it’s packed with myths that keep you stuck in a cycle of overwork and self-doubt. Let’s bust a few of those myths right now.
Myth 1: Perfectionism Leads to Success
You might think perfectionism is the key to climbing the ladder, hitting your goals, and “making it.” But here’s the truth: perfectionism often leads to paralysis, not progress. You spend so much time second-guessing and tweaking that you miss opportunities to move forward. Success doesn’t come from doing things perfectly—it comes from showing up consistently and learning along the way.
Myth 2: Perfectionism Leads to Happiness
If you’ve ever thought, I’ll be happy once I achieve this, you’re not alone. Perfectionism dangles happiness like a carrot on a stick, always just out of reach. But happiness doesn’t come from flawless achievements; it comes from embracing your imperfect, messy, beautiful life as it is.
Myth 3: Perfectionism Equals Efficiency
Spoiler alert: perfectionism is not a time-saver. It’s actually a time thief. By obsessing over tiny details or procrastinating out of fear, you waste precious energy and time that could be spent on things that truly matter.
Myth 4: Perfectionism is Permanent
Here’s the best news: you’re not stuck with perfectionism forever. It’s a habit, not a personality trait. With tools like therapy, self-compassion, and expressive arts, you can retrain your brain to embrace progress over perfection.
Perfectionism isn’t your truth—it’s just a story you’ve been telling yourself. And you have the power to rewrite it.
How Expressive Arts Therapy Can Help
Okay, let’s pause here. You’re probably wondering, “What does painting or dancing have to do with my perfectionism?”
Everything.
Expressive arts therapy is a creative, no-judgment zone where you can explore your emotions, let go of rigid thinking, and reconnect with your authentic self. It’s not about making something “good” or “right.” It’s about the process.
For a perfectionist, that’s revolutionary.
Imagine this: you’re handed a blank canvas and some paint. There’s no assignment, no grades, no Pinterest-worthy expectations. Just you, the colors, and the freedom to create. Maybe you swirl your brush in wild circles, maybe you smudge the paint with your hands, maybe you just sit and stare at it for a while.
In that moment, something shifts.
You stop worrying about the end result and start focusing on the act of creating. You feel a release, a lightness, as you give yourself permission to just be. You become one with the process. That’s the power of expressive arts therapy—it helps you shift from perfectionism to self-expression, one brushstroke (or dance step) at a time.
Practical Steps to Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip
Now that we’ve painted a picture (pun totally intended!) of what’s possible, let’s talk about how to get there.
1. Start Small
Perfectionism loves an all-or-nothing mindset, but life doesn’t work that way. Instead of aiming for “perfect,” aim for “done.” Ask yourself, “What’s one small step I can take today?”
2. Practice Self-Compassion
You wouldn’t yell at a friend for making a mistake, so why do it to yourself? When you feel the inner critic creeping in, pause. Take a deep breath. Then ask, “What would I say to someone I love in this situation?”
Spoiler alert: it’s probably a lot kinder than what you’re saying to yourself. Perfectionists tend to be their own worst critics.
3. Get Messy
In a small, intentional way. Whether it’s finger-painting with your kids, scribbling in a journal, or dancing like no one’s watching, give yourself permission to play.
In expressive arts therapy, the mess is the masterpiece.
4. Celebrate the Small Wins
Perfectionism tricks you into thinking only big, perfect outcomes are worth celebrating. Challenge that. Did you send an email that was good enough? Celebrate it. Did you doodle for five minutes just because? Count that as a win.
5. Schedule Rest—No Strings Attached
Listen, you don’t need to “earn” rest. Rest is a basic human need, not a reward for doing all the things.
Real Talk: You’ve Got This
Here’s what I want you to know: perfectionism doesn’t define you. You are so much more than your achievements, your to-do lists, or the image you project to the world.
There’s a freer, more joyful version of you waiting on the other side of perfectionism. And expressive arts therapy can help you get there.
Remember Sarah? She started small, too. She gave herself permission to doodle without worrying about what it looked like. She journaled messy, unfiltered thoughts. She learned to ask herself, “What do I need right now?” instead of “What’s expected of me?”
And little by little, she began to feel lighter, freer, more like herself.
You can, too.
Let’s Take the Next Step
If perfectionism is draining your joy, therapy can help you loosen the pressure, build self-trust, and reconnect with what matters most.
Book a free 20-minute consultation to learn more about expressive arts therapy for neurodivergent adults in Oregon.
